Life has been an adjustment lately as I get use to having Todd home in the evenings. He has worked 2nd shift (2:30-11pm) and is now on 1st shift (6am-2:30pm). For the last 2 1/2 years it has been me and our little boys each evening. So, needless to say we have our routine and Todd being home has been AMAZING but also an adjustment for me.
Last week I completely flipped out. We were about to go to bed and Todd asked me if I could not put my shoes in front of the hall closet door. I totally lost it. The entryway to our home isn’t big at all (at least we have one though!) We have six people living in our little house and there are shoes all over the entryway all the time. I pick up shoes all day long and it drives me nuts. So when he asked me to move my shoes I lost it. I told him, “I pick up everyone’s damn shoes all the time, including yours multiple times throughout the week and you are asking me to not put my shoes in front of the entryway closet. Seriously?” Not very gracious or kind at all. Well, this little freak out moment made me realize that I have some deep rooted issues that need to be dealt with. As I prayed and asked God what was going on He showed me and Todd a few things.
- I have high expectations for myself and I can’t meet them. In return I constantly feel like I’m failing.
- I have a lot of capacity to take care of things. It’s easy for me to burn out because I’m a doer.
- I keep hearing from God, “You are a good and faithful servant.” Yet my flesh says NOOOOOO. I often times don’t want to be a good and faithful servant anymore.
Obviously I am believing a lie about who God is and who I am in light of what He has done for me. I often cruise through life depending on my own strength rather than resting in Jesus and just being who God has created me to be. My worth is not based on what I do my worth is based on who God says I am.
I need rest. I need to set clear boundaries of taking time for my heart and body to rest. Whether that is taking a day of solitude or sneaking away for a bit to read or just taking a nap. I need to be better at caring for myself. I’m still working through what this looks like for me.
Yes, God has called me to be a servant for Him but my calling to serve Him isn’t dependent on me. He has asked me to join in His work and it’s a blessing to serve. I have experienced the most joy when I am obedient to what God has called me to. Sometimes I walk into situation where my heart has no desire to be there but God always brings great joy and purpose in those moments and uses those moments to teach me more about His heart. Whenever I’m struggling I always remember the verse God gave me 4 years ago when we started helping with the football team at Lincoln High School.
“Whoever finds their life will lose it. Whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 10:39
I still have so much to learn! How is your heart today? What are deeper issues that are surfacing through day to day interactions with others? It’s so good to stop and listen to the Holy Spirit and get to the root of what God is bringing to the surface.
As for the shoe problem… it has been solved by a serious look at my heart and a trip to IKEA. I will post about that on Monday.
Lots of love to you as you see God in the everyday stuff of life.
Everyday Acts of Love 